I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight."

Chico: Can he live in NY on $3?
Groucho: Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Why, a four year old child could understand this.
Run out and get me a four year old child, I can't make head or tail out of it.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down,
I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.